Train

In the end, her ignorance hit her like a train.

They were inseparable. Alice and Katie, Katie and Alice. Everyone knew it. Their other friends knew better than to believe it when either of the two called anyone but each other a “best friend.” It was the kind of friendship where the two developed characteristics and eventually became the other person. It switched off back and forth. Alice was Katie, Katie was Alice. They were both Alice – both Katie. It was inevitable. Others found it hard to be friends with one and not the other. Because, whichever you were friends with, you would always get a piece of the other. They had inside jokes. No one ever knew why, but every day, one of them would wear a peach hair barrette, and the other would wear a rose. A rose on her shirt, sewed onto her pant. It was like their way of owning a part of each other.

But not everything was peaches and roses. Things turned sour, out of the blue, like a storm on a sunny day, or the sun on a stormy day. No one expected it, especially not Alice. But Katie wasn’t ignorant. There were red flags.

Alice was a hypocrite. I won’t go into details, but she was. When Katie did something, and was excited to do it, Alice was the first she called.

“I can’t believe you did that. That makes me really grossed out.” Shot her down like an airplane in war, not as catastrophic though. Katie was excited and Alice shamed her for it; a feeling she became accustomed to. No, when Alice did it, it was the excitement of their friends (the extent of their friends), the school, the world. She was praised. She called Katie, the first she told, and Katie didn’t know how to respond. She was a fake excited, after all, that’s all she wanted Alice to do. It nagged at Katie, though. Why does she get all the glam and Katie gets the gory? Red flag.

Alice was dangerous. She had a fishing line, with “bare-minimum” written on the hook. She threw the line in, and dangled it for all the fishes, just enough to keep them interested. That was their friendship. Alice had many people, and many people had Alice. Katie wondered what it’d feel like to live in a two-way friendship. Alice wondered why Katie hadn’t brought her Starbucks yet. Red flag.

Alice was demanding. She needed all the fishes to focus on her, and if they lost interest, she would add just a little more bait to please them. She owned Katie. Katie had an old friend, Matthew. Matthew and Alice had a bad past, and disgraced them both when she found out Katie didn’t abandon him for her. Like a child, she demanded attention. Wanted everything her way. Demanded it that way. It was her way or the highway. Red flag.
Katie found a new crowd. No one expected it, especially not Alice. Katie wasn’t ignorant. Her and her new friends began forming into each other. But not to the point of Alice and Katie. No, everyone was still their own person. Katie knew a two-way friendship. Katie went to the beach, with her new crowd of course. They found an abandoned caboose where the threw down a blanket and began a picnic. Alice was not happy. She was hungry and had no fish to feast on. She tracked Katie, like she was an animal. It was like her eyes were red, steam out her ears. She found the abandoned caboose where the friends were feasting. She didn’t notice the red flags. She began to cross the train tracks

In the end, her ignorance hit her like a train. No, not a toy train that you often see children playing with. No, quite literally, a train; with boxcars and gondolas and flatcars. It was not a flash of the moment thing, as most people believed it were to be. Ignorance. It was slow, it allowed her time to think. That is the most painful death of all – when you’re left motionless, thinking. The Devil himself must have been the one keeping her heart beating. Her eyes open and he brain flowing – not God. She prayed to God to make it stop. She could feel the heartbeats escaping her ribcage, he last breaths exiting her body, the blood on a one-way route out. And God finally listened. A hellish way to go.

 

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Open-minded

It happened

like a rainbow after the rainy day

Unexpected but somehow beautiful

I always had an idea

an idea that I would leave this place

my family, my home

But nobody ever leaves

Or is it that everybody always leaves?

I was going to be that one

The one who leaves

It was a dream

Something I worked for my entire life

But then it hit me

Clarity hit me

If I were to be hit by anything

I would want it to be clarity

I knew I wasn’t going to be the one to leave

but rather

The one who stays

The one who follows in her mother’s path

Staying in this “small town”

Never leaving

Having the same friends

Always talking about the old times

It came fast and unexpected

but it came with clarity

and clarity always knows when to come

it comes at the best times

in the worst times

So I take it as a sign

I was meant to stay

With my family

in a place I call home

Fights at Lincoln

This week, newscasters decided to do a “Day in the life” of Officer Tommy Stoffel, a School Resource Officer at Lincoln High School. This included film that was going to be later published to local news outlets. The reason being students protesting to Portland Public Schools to get rid of SROs at schools.

Officer Stoffel is a fully trained police officer, and even carries a taser, handgun and handcuffs to work at Lincoln. Although he is trained in serious situation, many of the stuff he handles on a daily basis is smaller things with a single student.

Many students see Officer Stoffel as a friendly face in the halls, since he frequently teaches in a variety of classes, including College and Career Exploration and even Spanish classes. During passing time, Stoffel greets many students by first name, or just to exchange a simple smile.

As Stoffel was greeting students, the camera was focused on the officer. What happened next surprised everyone. In the background of the frame, two students began to fight; punches, kicks, one student ended up on the floor. Stoffel immediately began to intervene.

“Stop! Stop that right now,” Stoffel said. Soon enough, another student got in the middle of the fight and ended it. It was over as soon as it began.

“That is the first fight I’ve seen at Lincoln,” Stoffel said.

Although, teacher Henry Hopper stated that “Three fights have occurred at Lincoln within the last week.”

Stoffel never engaged in any physical contact in the fight because SROs are “trained to begin by using vocal defence,” Stoffel said. If things got worse, he would’ve intervened.

The video of the fight was quickly published on KOIN6 News and was later shown live. The video went viral around the school with many students not surprised about the content shown. Although, Principal Peyton Chapman felt responsible to send an email to parents.

Lincoln is in the middle of campaigning for a multi-million dollar bond to rebuild the school, and negative publicity is only lessening the chances of that bond being passed.

50 Questions To Ask A Girl If You Want To Know Who She Really Is

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
Quitting my first job

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

Not being able to fit in like everyone else

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

At camp

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

Council Crest Park

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

My mother

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

Being able to accept who I am

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Skydive

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

1980’s

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

My mother because I can tell her anything and she accepts me for it

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

Grace Zilbert

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

She thinks the same way I do

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

A mother

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

Cinderella

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

Hate them. Always think people are lying

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

Being able to be there for others

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

My ears and all my piercings

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

Beings able to be there for others

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

More serious than I wish I did

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

I think so, once.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

Being able to be and act like best friends

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

It’s a quality where one is susceptible to harm from others. Being in my emotions makes me vulnerable.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

What are we?

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

Go to a bar

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

Confidence

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

How the brain works

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

Skydiving

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

Too young

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

Journalism

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Take a trip to a lake and go canning

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

Not being invited to a school dance

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My friend visiting me at work

34. What is your favorite memory?

Beach trip with my best friend and my best friends family

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

Not being able to hold myself together

36. What is your biggest fear?

Disappointing people

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

Not stepping out of my comfort zone enough

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

Yes

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Threw a Witches when I was 15 and being the designated driver after the police and paramedics showed up

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

I would like to

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

Yes

42. What’s your favorite joke?

Knock-knock, Who’s there?, You, You who?, You-hoo! Big summer blow out.

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Cat person but I wish I was a dog person

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

Sugar bear

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

Stubborn but high achieving

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

8

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

Superstitions

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

I always put others before myself

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?

Anyone who appreciates me as much as I appreciate them

4/16/17

  1. Waking up to 16 Easter eggs hidden around the house
  2. The rain lifting on the beach so we could have a bonfire
  3. A rabbit taking a carrot from my hand
  4. Alex talking to me all night about religion
  5. Finishing 13 Reasons Why
  6. Remembering to keep up my journal
  7. The idea of quitting Old Navy
  8. Coach Christina drunk snap chatting me
  9. Making strawberry cupcakes my mom gave me
  10. Starting birth control

Homelessness

I had to finish my community service hour requirements for a club I’m in at school. My mom and sister and I were stained with meats and potatoes and vegetables on our red aprons that said Potluck in the Park. People came and went for hours as we stayed motionless. Their lives went on in a matter of fifteen minutes but mine stayed in this red apron.

 

My arms became sore and my feet were seeping into the soles of my shoes like quicksand. I had to walk. I began running tables; bringing silverware and drinks and desserts in those fifteen minute increments that people were as motionless as I. I began to learn their names, but not as quickly as they learned mine.

 

It was Christmas Day and I was wearing a Santa hat with a nametag that said Hi my name is KAYLA. I’m surprised it didn’t take shorter to remember my name; I was the only girl who was wearing a Santa hat with a genuine smile on my face. No, I wasn’t necessarily enjoying myself, my shoes had been worn to scraps and my arms became limp by my body. I was smiling because I only had an hour more. How horrible.

 

My weakened arms weren’t able to carry cups of water or plates of gingerbread without the risk of toppling over. I began brainstorming ways for me to get out of my misery: run away, go to the bathroom, emergency phone call. But to my dismay, my mom was still in earshot and she could deny all these things.

 

“‘Cuse me, can I get a cup o’ water. I am thirsty.” Okay. Okay, something to do. I, being the immature teenager I am, walked to the cup stand, lifted my cup above my head and balanced it so my arms could get the rest that the rest of my body so desperately needed. I knelt down and the man took the cup off my head. The leader of this red apron program was looking at me with eyes looking right into my brain that I don’t think she thought I had. Well, the customer is always right, and I couldn’t agree more.

 

“That was sellar. Fantastic. Bravo,” he said as he stood up and clapped his glove covered hands and gave me a standing ovation. I remember feeling excited and welcomed and not at the gates of hell for the first time today. It’s Christmas for Christ’s sake.

 

We began talking, he asked me what school I went to, what I wanted to be when I growed up. Not only did this man know my name was KAYLA, he now knew everything that my teachers and counselors and coaches knew, too. I think he felt “fit in” at this fact. I liked that feeling.

 

He began to tell me how he was a war veteran. He fought for sixteen years and came home after his wife had two children. He told me the story of how his wife moved in with her parents and his kids followed because he had no money after the war. He told me how he always wanted to be a teacher, and how he never earned his high school diploma. He told me how he’s planning on going to high school in the next couple of years, to graduate and to finally earn his diploma.

And with that, the hour was over and I’ve never smiled wider.

By Chapter 16

Teen angst

Permanently scarred on my left ankle

No eyes but mine linger to

Everything I once did went without consequence

That wasn’t enough

I had to rebel

I had to lose the trust I worked so hard to earn

Something as little as a nickel upon my skin

A tiny planet engraved into my skin

My nails still broken from squeezing a rubber ball too hard

A tiny, inked planet resembled rebellion

Character

My childhood

And somehow

An answer for why I’ve been so lost

 

My childhood is painted on my forehead

Cracked open like a shell

A crescent that appeared when my rickety self

Rocked myself out of a chair when I was six

Cries escaped my mouth

That I’ve never heard before

Not of pain or sadness

Of disappointment

I was six

 

Discoloration lines my thighs and hips

My mother, on her second child

Almost lost her

Flown in from helicopter

She went into labor after five months of being pregnant

Had lost all hope

Four months later

Still premature

Desperate for another child,

The doctor tried and tried again

Discoloring me in the process

 

A surfboard

Caught my foot

Not a wave

Faintness overcame me

I fell in the sand

Awoken in a hospital bed

To the artificial noise of waves

Transported from the beach

 

Craters upon my skin

The makings of puberty

Lines stretch from one hip to the other

From one breast to the other

If you try hard enough

You can feel them

From the outside

Like tunnels under your skin

 

Photos of me don’t exist out there

No mirror knows who I am

By chapter 16

This is me

This is what I live within

Scarred but beautiful