1.5 by Sydney Lake

It’s not a coincidence I’m no longer falling apart.

It took some time but I’m back to the start.

I’m proud of myself considering all.

 

I treated your goodbye

the same as my sister.

Not out of the blue,

yet still surprising.

It’s funny.

I lost both sisters I’ve ever known.

 

Confused.

Sad.

Angry.

But no matter the feeling.

I’ve reached the same outcome.

 

People come and go.

 

I’m not as heartless as this post makes me seem.

 

I painted my room just like we planned.

Who would have thought paint color reflected your personality?

The dark grey paint is gone, similar to my depression.

Replaced with metallic gold, complete to perfection.

Metallic gold with white stripes.

The red wall.

 

The wall of pictures is no more.

People have told me to bring it back.

But I see no point.

As people continually leave.

And I don’t need to see the reminder of once was.

 

On a daily basis I’m reminded of you

Somehow everything became an inside joke between us two

I can’t take the sylvan exit

or a snapchat when it’s sunny and I’m driving

or listen to so many hella slaps.

or use certain emojis

or literally talk to specific people (Raliegh been snapping me and when I try telling someone and Lizzy Gazeley just scolds me)

or watch shows

or use a broom

or live my life.

 

I’ve tried to move on.

Probably not something you want or need to hear.

But something I needed to make clear.

Maybe I am as heartless as they say.

The thing is I like it this way.

PS. 1 for example is a numbering system for writing for specific people so I can do things like this and continue post without editing the original, while the dates and stuff is just my thoughts about life and shit.

 

ya man this the real post (not to take away attention from everything else those my feels but these my thoughts) but like I’ve been stuck in my house and my whole family is home and I just gotta leave. none of this is related it was just bad day. life still good tho. remember to be carefree. yolo is still the motto. also the term rip will never die. (see what i did there) damn it’s late. lol. not drunk at all rn. lol its 2 am. literally my most proud moment in my life was when this one dude tried my jungle juice and he said it was the best he has had at a witches. bartender still my backup job if the whole owning the rams falls through. also boi what you think i need ur toothbrush for damn. that bouta be the community toothbrush for who ever at my house. they gonna be like “anyone use this before” and im just gon be like “nah you good fam that’d be gross” this def gonna happen

now u probably laughed yup ok that’s all take notes dude my blog game on fleek.

*drops mic*

I Did Not Know by Finn Lawless

It was two years ago, when my best friend, or at the time, my to-be best friend, Nancy, was sitting two seats behind me on a bus ride to Mt. Hood. My friend Drew was sitting beside me playing video games on his new iPhone 4, while I was pretending to sleep, wishing I could play as well. My to-be best friend was behind us chatting away with five girls and a couple of guys from the popular click, while I was pretending to sleep, wishing I had the guts to talk to them. I envied them deeply. I thought their lives were amazing. They probably never stood alone at home hoping a friend might call them up to have a play date, but I did not know. I did not know that Drew was being bullied for being rich and stupid, while everyone was nice to me. I did not know that Nancy was having extreme family problems on top of her parents’ divorce, while my family members all loved each other and I had a great relationship with my brother and sister. It was that year of 2014 that I learned that I was not the only human in the world, and that my life is as good as it can be. I learned that I should be thankful for what I have in any moment and time in my life.

One year before, in 7th grade, I was what I would call weird. At the time, I did not really understand people and how their minds worked. I thought I always needed to be the center of attention to be considered “cool”. I did not notice the boys and girls lurking in the corners of the class watching me as I made a joke or pretended to fall over to be funny. They were nothing to me. They were merely visitors to my traveling circus show. I thought they were the audience, or the background. It was only in the next year that I noticed and respected them as real people in the real world, as oppose to them being uninteresting side characters in the book of Finn Lawless.

After one hour and forty-five minutes of tiring and harsh travel on the bus to Mt. Hood, we arrived. As our bus consisted only of kids from our school, we all stuck together against the push and pull of the ski-crazy crowd of 8:00AM. Our whole group somehow ended up being one of the first groups to go up the mountain. On the four-person ski lift, I had Drew on my left, and coincidentally, Nancy was on my right. It was awkward, to say the least. To put it simply, I was downright scared of her. I had no idea what horrors she could do to me in the social world with all of her popular friends. So for the first hour or two of skiing, I kept to myself. To my surprise, on one of the lifts up the mountain, Nancy spoke my name. We talked. We talked up the ski left, and down the slopes, we talked. Replacing the monologues of previous chapters with a rich dialogue. Though it was only small talk, I believed we had a connection. It was the first time in which I ever felt like I had a conversation without thinking about what I was going to say before I said it. I was no longer the self-conscious, attention-seeking Finn I had been the day before, and despite our social and personal differences at home and at school, Nancy and I became friends.

As Nancy and I became closer, we started sharing secrets that had been rotting in the endless pit of our hearts since they were first conceived. She told me about how bad her situation was at home. She told me about her father not accepting her lesbian sister, about her having to share and manage the time with which she spent with each parent. Then it hit me; the unknown plot point that everybody turns page after page to read. Nancy was only one in 4 billion girls in the world, and I thought to myself, if her life was bad, what about the other billions of girls in the world or even the billions of boys? Did they have the same problems? Did some have it worse?

Nobody could truly answer me these questions, so I made my own assumptions that in the end, turned out to be somewhat accurate. I assumed that If I had met Nancy out of the millions of girls in Oregon, or out of the billions of girls in the world, then there must be others struggling with their lives as well. I soon realized that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and ups and downs in their lives, and that nobody has it the same as me. I have to judge others from an unbiased point of view if judge at all.

1 by Sydney Lake

When someone asks me about you

I don’t know how to respond

“What happened?”

“I really have no clue”

That’s the most unsettling part to me.

 

They used to call us inseparable

I see things and get reminded of you

Every time I walk in my bathroom

I see your toothbrush

It’s just staring at me

Reminding me

that I messed up somehow

But I can’t get passed the fact that somehow this could have been avoided.

 

Maybe we weren’t meant to friends forever

It was probably just perfect timing

We each needed someone else to rely on

But maybe you just got tired of me always relying on you

I don’t know.

You probably think that I didn’t appreciate you enough

But that’s crazy

I don’t know anyone who would do half the things you did for me.

I don’t know.

I’ve never connected with someone so quickly.

Just think: I’m pretty sure we only got up to our sixth month anniversary.

 

Sometimes I hold onto the fact that maybe this all was just a big misunderstanding

You think I stopped talking to you,

but to me it was the other way around

I don’t know

I guess I would rather just blame the new school year and the changes

than myself.

I knew that I had been replaced

and I felt like it would never be the same again.

 

I guess I’d like others to know the decision was up to me

Instead of them discovering that I am weak.

I tell people we hung out so much

and we became too alike.

 

The same person.

I say: “She turned into me”

“and I hate myself”

So that’s why we don’t talk anymore

The thing is part of that statement is correct

Maybe that’s part of it

Who knows.

 

I could keep writing for hours

But I think it’s time for this post to end

So, just know this:

I know you and your friends probably hate me,

but I do miss you sometimes,

thinking about the time we spent together

I’m not sure if you would agree

because lately it just seems like you hate me.

I’m not asking for anything in this post because I know you deserve better

and better for you clearly doesn’t include me

but as long as you’re happy I’ll leave you alone.

I know you can take care of yourself and you have friends that love you unconditionally.

I’m not worried that you’ll be worried about me so feel free to move on entirely.

I’m going to college sooner than you realize so you wont have to worry about avoiding me.

Good luck and I wish you the best if we had our last hello and goodbye already

I hope you can accept my attempt at apology.

You were the best best friend and sister I could ever ask for.

 

PS. Do you want your toothbrush back?

 

 

#happy194days