Tonight I sat in an uptown, contemporary apartment in the chic Pearl District, dog sitting for my mom’s best friend. My ideal night, to say the least. I watched five episodes of my binge watching guilty pleasure, ate a pint of ice cream (that I have to be sure to replace before I leave tomorrow) and reconnected with people who are or once were important in my life.
Not only have I reconnected with people from my past and present, but I reconnected with myself, which is a strange thing to admit. A lot of people knew me as a goody two shoes or a teacher’s pet or a smart Alec. I’ve also gotten that I’m too shy or too outgoing, which makes zero to no sense at all but I just go with what it is.
I jokingly admitted to my friend earlier today that I peaked in 6th grade, and I don’t think I was joking as much as accepting or admitting. In 6th grade, we were a bunch of awkward 12 year olds struggling to make friends in a place where everyone you previously knew only took up one fourth of the class. I tried to change myself that year. I saw an opportunity and I took it, and I still wonder if it was for the better or for the worse.
That was the year my family was going through a divorce, and the change I experienced involved abandoning some of my closest friends, some who have forgiven me and some yet to. I was going through a lot and I felt alone because I believed surrounding myself with populars would get me somewhere. That was one of the hardest years of my life, I was alone, but socially, I peaked because everyone knew who I was. (A lot of my new friendships that year didn’t last through the 7th grade, but the love I have for those friendships is still there.)
Anyways, August just came around the corner and I’m almost a Sophomore. It’s funny saying that now because I say that with pride, even though a lot of people in my life only have one or two more years of high school left, and I’m still not sure whose the lucky ones are. Tonight I learned, despite my social climax in the 6th grade, I undoubtedly peaked emotionally this year, and it’s still getting better. Disregarding a few mental breakdowns in the school bathroom during finals or the inevitable lost high school friendships, I’ve never felt more content than now.
I recently had a feeling where I thought I had forgotten who I was. My priorities were no longer straight and I had lost sight of my future and everything important to me. I was wrong to think that because I know I am still the person that loves reading and learning, that will help others when they need it and appreciate the people I have in my life. Because in the end, that’s what’s most important to me. I finally understood that I’ve changed with time, grown up, but I’m still the same person I’ve always been.
So I’m typing this via a couch overlooking a construction building with a dog in my lap, and I have no idea who, or if anyone, is going to read this post or this blog. If you are reading this, you probably know me to the point where you’d feel guilty if you didn’t read this blog. And, if that’s true, I’ve trained you well. But for those of you reading this who know of me or don’t know me at all, you get to see my life through my words and see how I’ve changed from my first post to now.
I’m not sure why I made this blog public, at all, and to be honest, I’m scared to have people reading into my life the way I see it. But hopefully it works out for the best because this blog has brought me peace through tough times and brought back memories from my past. This blog may seem as a cry for help, may make distant people feel obligated to contact me and catch up. But all I want is for you to find out who I really am, to prove or test who you thought I was; or remember who I was and who I am and how much I’ve changed and how far I’ve come. I speak my mind best through my writing, so try not to read into my words too much – I don’t want to regret sharing this blog in the morning.