Don’t Move to Portland

City of Roses, Bridgetown, Rip City

The list of nicknames go on and on

But the reasons to move here do not

 

We use too much gas

Our air is polluted

We have all sun and no rain

 

Our winters hot

And our summers are cold

 

There are no parks and no sidewalks

No one ventures outside the comfort of their home

 

Our water isn’t pure

Our food isn’t fresh nor local

 

There’s no skiing and no hiking

The desert land too rural

 

No such thing as beachy hair

No snowflakes on your nose

 

Trees are rare

The sky is never blue

 

Your money will be wasted

Our taxes are too high

You pay a dollar for every blink

And then some

 

Neighborhoods are unsafe

No child left alone

 

The schools are lacking

Ten graduates per class

 

Families are unfriendly

Grass is brown

 

The only pools are those

in your backyard

 

We drink our sour water

We offer no caffeine or brews

 

We run over bikes and pedestrians

No sharing the road

 

Lacking entertainment and muse

No voices, no art, no music

 

No history of any significance,

The teams go without a win

 

Our thirty seconds of fame are

from a TV show nobody watches

 

Everyone is built the same

Weirdness is not okay

Originality is forbidden

We keep things in order

 

Your beard is a sin

And so is your dog

We tolerate no sign of mess

 

You’re bound to be wrecked by The Big One

Your house will fall to ruins

 

There is no reason to move to Portland

Not one thing listed here is good

 

If you come, it’s your loss

No welcome with open arms

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