Don’t Move to Portland

City of Roses, Bridgetown, Rip City

The list of nicknames go on and on

But the reasons to move here do not


We use too much gas

Our air is polluted

We have all sun and no rain


Our winters hot

And our summers are cold


There are no parks and no sidewalks

No one ventures outside the comfort of their home


Our water isn’t pure

Our food isn’t fresh nor local


There’s no skiing and no hiking

The desert land too rural


No such thing as beachy hair

No snowflakes on your nose


Trees are rare

The sky is never blue


Your money will be wasted

Our taxes are too high

You pay a dollar for every blink

And then some


Neighborhoods are unsafe

No child left alone


The schools are lacking

Ten graduates per class


Families are unfriendly

Grass is brown


The only pools are those

in your backyard


We drink our sour water

We offer no caffeine or brews


We run over bikes and pedestrians

No sharing the road


Lacking entertainment and muse

No voices, no art, no music


No history of any significance,

The teams go without a win


Our thirty seconds of fame are

from a TV show nobody watches


Everyone is built the same

Weirdness is not okay

Originality is forbidden

We keep things in order


Your beard is a sin

And so is your dog

We tolerate no sign of mess


You’re bound to be wrecked by The Big One

Your house will fall to ruins


There is no reason to move to Portland

Not one thing listed here is good


If you come, it’s your loss

No welcome with open arms


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